Well, this ought to be interesting. (I have re-written the opening sentence multiple times by this point) Let's get on with it. Anxiety. I wouldn't describe myself as an anxious person and that is because I prepare, plan and control the shit outta everything so I don't HAVE to be anxious! I'm working on that programming. After all, we all have learned behaviors from our parents and childhood experiences that are less than desirable. Anxiety related to "working" is one of mine. You see, I have this programming seared into my physical, mental and emotional being that says "If you aren't working, NO - if you aren't sacrificing all else in the name of the almighty dollar, your entire world will come crumbling down - you will immediately lose everything you have, all good things will turn to shit AND your cats will die on the spot." OK... that is slightly an exaggeration but not by much! That is exactly how it feels in my body and let's be real, what your brain is saying doesn't matter half as much as what your body is FEELING. So yea, there have been many mornings in my life that felt like the end of the world if I didn't get up and "go to work". I sacrificed my physical health and mental well-being on numerous occasions, just because "you have to do it whether you like it or not". Fast forward, I know longer sacrifice my health, joy and overall well-being for the dollar, but the residual anxiety is still there in moments. On a regular basis, I have to consciously choose to acknowledge the anxiety then re-write the internal script. But... it isn't enough to just re-write the internal script... you have to feel the new patterns forming and that my friends is where the magic comes in. Ok specifics... here goes... I "work" for myself now. Hold up. While I am at it, I might as well change my vocabulary so it reflects how I really feel, not the old programming! How about- "I am in service to the love, magic, mystery, light and shadow in all of us... and I make my own muthafuckin' hours" (how's that feel?) Much better! Where were we... yes, so I do what I want now. Great. But the anxiety is still there. It is no easy task to break down the constructs of deep, deep programming but we have to. I have to. You have to. We all have to break down out dated programming, habits and belief systems if we want to live and experience ourselves fully. So, although I find it challenging some mornings, I am choosing to redesign my morning routine in order to heal the morning anxiety surrounding "work to survive" programming. Step 1- what is the feeling or experience you want to change/heal? Step 2- what programming/belief/illusion is behind the feeling? Step 3- what does this REALLY feel like? Step 4- how do I want to feel instead? Step 5- what habits/actions/beliefs can I reprogram myself with? Step 6- try it on for size, how does it fit? Here is my Step 1-6 in written form (typically I don't write it all out when changing programming but it can be super helpful to do so). I want to change the anxious, panicky, "must DO something now" feeling related to the belief that I have to be waking up and going to a mainstream 9-5 "job" where I sacrifice aspects of myself that are important to me (like my health, happiness, inspiration, creativity, magic, passion). When I sit with the anxiety in the moment, it feels like fear, childhood sadness, death, disappointment, struggling and forcing myself... to name a few... but it doesn't feel like mine. It feels like it was fear and struggle that belonged to my parents or perhaps partially my ancestors, not me... but I felt it and took it on as mine, along with their programming. I want to feel refreshed, inspired, deeply magical- like the brush of a cool breeze on the morning of Samhain (Halloween) and the peaceful knowing that exists in the liminal spaces between changing seasons. I want to feel like a cup of tea and a juicy book... in a sweatshirt and leggings! Most of all, I want to feel safe to just BE without a forced feeling of having to DO. I feel like there needs to be a long pause for reflection after that last sentence. How many of us don't feel safe just being? How many of us feel like we have to be constantly doing just to survive? Continuing, if I were to take those feelings I described above and manifest them into actions or habits... what could they be? Well, the most obvious is having tea and a good book each morning! I could also grab a journal and write my inspirations in it, whether they be inspirations for projects or inspirations for a trip I would like to take a year from now. I could wake up and immediately connect to my body and feel for what aspects of me feel refreshed and what aspects would like some attention. If I wake up and feel the anxiety creeping in, I can choose an affirmation, mantra or spell/enchantment to work with in that moment and repeat it until my body and mind feel differently. "I wake up refreshed, inspired and embodying my own magic... I am abundant in all ways simply by being true to myself"
All that is left now is to try it on for size. Do the new habits and affirmations create FEELINGS that are aligned with how you want to be feeling? If so, great. If not, try again. Sometimes the programming is so deep that it will take years, or in some cases, a lifetime to reprogram. And that is OK. In fact, it is perfect. However long it takes to right a wrong, does not negate the efforts made to right it! Be careful not to get trapped in additional programmings while working so diligently on another! haha. Such is the human experience though, right? The great news is that once you start identifying these things for yourself, many more will catch your eye and you can heal those too! At the end of the day, this is about being true to you- and maybe at this point you don't know yourself well enough yet, to know what is or isn't true for you. Or maybe you do and you are working on the last few parasitic indoctrinations clinging on for dear life. Or maybe you are surrounded by people who tell you "this is just how it is" and "get used to it". Wherever you are in your journey, I see you. I feel you. You are magic. I hope this sharing of my experience has inspired you in some way. If you feel like sharing, please leave a comment below. Until next time... xoxo